Hello everyone. I'm in Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania, hometown of football legend Joe Namath.
I don't know if I'm doing this properly, but I'm in a rather dire situation.
Anyway, I first came to about Erik with videos on Youtube, where I learned about him and Dr. Medhus. I recently bought and read her first book that came out, which was excellent.
It would take way too long to tell my story, but I'll try to explain my situation, which leads to questions about dreams I've been having the last few years.
I've had a very messed up life in my thirty-eight years, and a large part of it has been from my undoing. Like Erik, I'm having trouble getting along in the world. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and a very severe case of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have struggled with anxiety and depression ever since my childhood days. Currently, I am in the midst of the worst bout of depression I have ever known, as I have been in it for fifteen months straight now, and I honestly don't know how I've made it this far. I've tried taking various anti-depressants, but they just made me worse. They turned me into an emotionless robot, and I never want to feel that way again.
I live in a very dysfunctional household. No one understands the the hell I'm going through with my anxiety and depression. I have no life, and no friends. I never learned how to drive. I've never been into drugs. I've never touched a cigarette and never drank any alcohol my whole entire life either. I've always been painfully shy. My social skills are deplorable. I've really tried to turn my life around the last few years, but I've started too late. The more I try, the worse things get. I'm stuck here in the house. There is nothing but negativity and hate in this household. My depression and anxiety is to the point where I can't even function properly. All I do anymore is cry and have major anxiety and panic attacks. I can't even describe the loneliness that is suffocating me.
I've always lived with my grandparents. I was raised by them. My mother and seven year old nephew is with us now. My grandmother and I have always been extremely close. We are true soulmates. She's getting into her late seventies now, and the constant stress and chaos of our household is really taking a toll on her health. I am one hundred percent certain that I couldn't go on if something happened to her. My mother has a horrible drug problem, which we have put up with for about thirty years now. My nephew is turning into an very nasty and mean-hearted person, as the household is completely at his mercy. He gets no discipline whatsover. My grandparents are way too old to be handling him, but he has no one eles to care for him. Also, my grandfather has got Parkinson's and he's to the point where he can barely move around. The more his health deteriorates, the meaner and the more combative he becomes. He is not the loving person I grew up with. He is downright cruel and heartless now.
What I'm getting to is this...I have thought about suicide over the last few years, and especially over this past year or so. Now, I am very seriously thinking about ending it all. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I'm tired of going through this unspeakable hell and torment and loneliness every single day.
After learning about Erik and what he says about the afterlife, I want to go to the other side more than ever. Like him, I truly believe that I'm one of those souls who are better off over there. I'll never find my way or purpose here on earth, and every time that I've interacted with the outside world, I always ended up getting hurt. I have been hurt so many times, and it's left very deep scars on my spirit. Nobody will ever really understand me. I truly feel like an outsider here on earth. I'm too far gone in my depression. It feels like I'm falling deeper and deeper into a black hole.
What I'm saying is that I am about to take action to end my life. I don't own any guns, or else I would shoot myself. I've narrowed it down to two ways...Either I take the nine hundred sleeping pills that I've gathered over the past year, or I go down to the railroad tracks and get hit by a train. I'd much rather take the pills, as I want to go peacefully and painlessly, but I'm scared that it would somehow backfire and I'd end up being a vegetable. I don't see how I could possibly survive that many pills, but I'm not sure that diphenhydramine is the best drug to be doing this with, as I've heard very scary things about people overdosing on it. Diphenhydramine is supposed be very potent. And these are all over the counter sleeping pills that you can buy in stores.
Going to my other option with a train, there is few things that are intimidating as a train in all its loudness. It makes the ground shake. I am so distraught and so full of pain that I don't think that would even scare me off now. In fact, I will have the opportunity to end my life at the tracks just a few hours from now.
Now, I will finally get to my questions...Over the last few years, I have seen a good number of people in my dreams who took their own lives. These have all been famous people, and I'm still seeing them. It started with Herve Villechaize, the midget who played Tattoo on "Fantasy Island". He shot himself about eighteen years ago. Anyway, I've seen him in my dreams several times, the most notable dream being where he was standing there and reaching out for my hand, as if he wanted me to join him. It really appears to me that he's waiting for me. Also, I had a dream where I died and a whole bunch of famous people whose lives ended by suicide were there to greet me. It was like they were some big welcoming committee. These were various sorts of people. Athletes, actors, and the like. Also, I had a dream with actor George Sanders, who intentionally overdosed on pills. He was there talking and he had all these pills with him and he laid them down, as if he were offering me to take them. Most recently, I had a dream where I was hanging around with Andrew Koenig, who played Boner on "Growing Pains". He shot himself five years ago. Anyway, he and I were hanging around, and it must have been on the spiritual plane, because I wasn't in my body. And just the other night, I dreamt that i was hanging around a young guy that I didn't even know, but after thinking about it, it occurred to me that it might have possibly been Erik. I can't say that for sure that it was indeed Erik, but I'm inclined to think that it was him. I've also had countless dreams of all these famous people who died by natural causes. But, it's the suicidal famous people dreams that really got me wondering.
I would really like to know what those dreams mean. Are all these people actually waiting for me? Am I meant to join them in suicide? Was George Sanders telling me to go ahead and take my sleeping pills, or not to take them? Would I actually succeed in my suicide attempt, and what would be the best and most surefire way for me to end my life?
I would be truly grateful if I could get the answers to my questions. If I'm still around to get the answers,
As I referred to earlier, I will have the chance to kill myself in just a few short hours. My grandmother will be going to her hair appointment, which is right beside the railroad tracks, and I might go down there with her and throw myself in front of a train while she's in there. It would kill my grandmother if I did something to myself, and I really don't want to leave her, but the pain and loneliness is too great. I know that I would be much happier on the other side.
I can't guarantee that I'll be around for a reply, but it would be greatly appreciated.